Ramadaan, day 15
I have this thing with not wanting to be around anyone when I am reading Qur’aan. Not because I am humble and modest or anything sweet and lovely like that. It’s the fact that everyone around me has 10 times better pronounciation than me. I think that when it comes to Arabic, I must be slightly dyslexic, although I can read other things in Arabic just fine. 
My mother says it’s a test from Allah, to see how persistent I can be or if I will just cave in and not read the Qur’aan, and that if I keep at it, this “little” problem will just go away. Supposedly, my grandfather had the same issue, but I don’t think it was as bad. Anyhow, for a long time, I would read Qur’aan sparingly, because the difficulty was just too much to overcome, and I had no time to just sit there and nurse my tongue into obedience. Imagine, I had time for other things, but not this. SubhanAllah, and may Allah help me overcome my laziness. Ameen!
So, anyways, in the past several years, I have given to being more resolute in my Qur’an-reading…and maybe there has been an ounce of improvement…but I am looking for a ton of improvement, so that’s clearly a long way off. If anyone happens to come in my room while I am reading, I tend to get a little annoyed, but I don’t think they know why. Well, you know, hiding and doing anything gets to be just exhausting…so lately, I don’t even get annoyed, I just resign myself to the fact that they are going to hear my horrible reading. And then, yesterday, my older brother, who mashaAllah has such superb tajweed and style and I don’t read in front of him at any cost coz he will allways tell me what I am mispronouncing and stuff and, to top it off, ask me where in heaven did I pick that (non)style up from?!, comes in while I am reading Qur’aan. Now, my brother has not seen me do this in literally years, I am that good at hiding from him. So he was a bit surprised, but very happy, and then he said the sweetest* thing: “Don’t be embarrassed, it’s ok to read Qur’aan, you know. You are Muslim, after all…so it’s normal.” 
I just looked at him and said “Ok, whatever, thanks! Now buzz off.” And he said “No, I won’t. Not till I give you some advice.” Argggghhhh, he wouldn’t leave that easily…why couldn’t he just get what he came for and go away?! I caved, and asked what his “advice” was. And he said, “Forget the idea of finishing the Qur’aan this month; at the rate you read, you won’t even finish this year [not true!], so why don’t you just read a page a day, read along a couple times with a sheikh you like, and then read it 10 times by yourself, and then put the sheikh back on to see if your tajweed and everything is good.”
Well, ok, that was some good advice. After all, no way am I going to him to fix my tajweed…and dad says not to stress myself out being perfect…so that’s not an option either. InshaAllah, I will follow his advice…but after Ramadaan. I have to prove him wrong and do my khatam! InshaAllah.
Is there any limit to my pride?! Well, it’s not pride, hey…its dignity!
This post is super-personal, not even something my closest friends know about me…Don’t know how long it will stay up here, and it already took me a full day to decide to post it…we’ll see. Hope there is something useful here for anyone, in the mean-time…
*Sarcasm Alert!
awww…i make sincere dua that Allah makes it easy for you and you DO have ur khatam before Ramadan ends…is this the same brother you have a love-hate relationship with?
btw, here’s a dua you can read to help overcome the difficulty but you may already know it…” Rabbi yassir wa laa tu ‘assir…” let me know if you want the full dua or if you already know it…
mehru, JazakiAllah for your sweet and encouraging sentiments and duaas. I don’t think I know this duaa, if you could send it to me, you have no idea how much I would appreciate it! Haha, have a love-hate rel. with both the bros…more love than hate, though (in case they happen to read this!)
Asalamu aliakum, girlie,
) but if she did join, she’d be sure to tell us….to my shock, a week later, she was calling me up, and telling me that they had hired a tajweed teacher just for our community and would i be joining?
for the longest time ever, I hid from everybody because i had terrible tajweed and pronunciation of Arabic- for years, i avoided going to Qur’an classes because i said, Let’s face it, i suck, and there’s no way to fix this. not only that, but at least you have an excuse. U’re not Arab, but I am….anyways, around 3 years ago, to my horror, a neighbor came over and i found my mother asking that neighbor where she goes to attend Qur’an classes-the girl said she didn’t go to any at the time (well her dad is a professor shariah, i think that’s a pretty good source
alas, i joined….the teacher struggled. i struggled. we all struggled. at first, it was a nightmare…..3 years later, and i have barely “moved”, i’m just starting to memorize the second ju’zaa, but my tajweed has changed….a lot…it’s not perfect, far far far from it, but it’s not like how it was 3 years ago….
still, i will confess that i actually sHAKE, shake, i mean physically begin to “tremble”, heart beats way toooooo much, when i have to read out loud infront of friends, for example. me who will willingly do a speech in front of random strangers *provided it’s in english* ..oh, and, i get attached to my quran teachers in an unhealhty way. i hate “getting a new teacher”, lOl, but then, i get used to the new teacher and then have to get a new one…
Anyways, there is a short point(s) to all this-
1. i know where you’re coming from, i’ve been through that
2. keep working on it, and it might take months, it might take years, but you will hear a difference, eventually
3. you will be rewarded!
So, i’ll be back in 5 years ,inshaAllah, and i’ll be calling you Sheikha/Imama (hehehe) DigiN
batootati, have you any idea how wonderfully uplifting your comment is to me? I am quite surprised that you, being Arab, would have such a problem, but yet you make me feel like so much less of a failure, like I am not abnormal or something. Thank you so much for that, and I will keep your story in mind everytime I open the Qur’aan. I won’t end up being any kind of Sheikha/Imaama, but we can dream
May Allah reward you for making my day! Ameen!