You may or may not have read about Jon Favreau. Until the “young man’s” latest foray into the world of Facebook picture publishing, I didn’t know anything about him, either. Mr. Favreau is President-Elect Obama’s Chief Speechwriter. He apparently likes to have a good time, and when the good times start, apparently he can’t distinguish between classy fun and sexist fun. So, there he was at a party, dancing with a life-sized cut-out of Hillary Clinton (our favorite witch!), copping a feel, while his friend offered “her” a beer. I find it really interesting (and quite peculiar) that in this very same picture, Mr. Favreau’s friend’s face is blurred…by all means, let’s preserve the dignity of a man (oh sorry, boy) who has no respect for the dignity of a woman old enough to be his mother, not to mention a woman who is going to be representing our nation globally as Secretary of State.

What I want to know is this: When is Mr. Obama going to fire this man? If anyone floats the idea of “well, you know, boys will be boys,” I swear that I will scream, loud enough to reverberate across the blogosphere. If the dude is still a boy, then he is not fit for a Cheif Speechwriter of the White House kind of job. Seriously! And Mr. Obama, keeping this man on as the man who writes for you, who puts words into your mouth and gets paid amply by the American public for doing so, just says to your wife, daughters, sister and neices that it’s no big deal to be a victim of sexual degradation. That would be a rotten message to be sending, Mr. President-Elect, and it’s not the change you were voted to bring.

Posted in Gender Relations, In the News, Think About It Tagged: chauvinism, Obama administration, politics ]]> http://digitalniqabi.wordpress.com/2008/12/07/why-is-this-man-not-fired-by-now/feed/ 7 Digital Nomad Add to Facebook Add to Newsvine Add to Digg Add to Del.icio.us Add to Stumbleupon Add to Reddit Add to Blinklist Add to Ma.gnolia Add to Technorati Add to Furl http://digitalniqabi.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/girls-of-riyadh/ http://digitalniqabi.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/girls-of-riyadh/#comments Tue, 15 Jan 2008 05:06:51 +0000 Digital Nomad http://digitalniqabi.wordpress.com/2008/01/14/girls-of-riyadh/ ]]>

I recall there was some kind of uproar in Muslim/Arab circles when this book came out, so of course I had to give it a go now that I have a bit of free time. I must say, I don’t get what the fuss was about. Yes, it’s about a group of spoiled rich girls, but no need to be all jealous and condemn the issues they have in life. And for anyone suggesting that “girls like these” are “ruining our societies,” well, allow me to recommend that you take a good, long, hard, honest look at the boys of Riyadh, who are the real stars of this show.

I liked this book, overall. It depicts the lives of four upper class girls, who develop relationships with men both conventionally (through family-arranged weddings) and not-so-conventionally (dating, Saudi style). Some relationships work, others don’t, and the book portrays the emotional/societal fallout of such relationships. In some ways, it will shock you (when a traditionally married girl is divorced because her husband was really in love with someone else, his actions leading to the divorce are nothing short of despicable), but I can honestly say that it’s a very realistic book, and not so far removed from the relationships I see around me. Perhaps that is why it was such a scandal, and thus banned in the author’s home country of Saudi Arabia. Yes, I can see how the truth would sting.

Today, the LA Times has a story that sounds very familiar. It’s about the single scene in Egypt, but really, this could be anywhere in the Muslim world:

The single, professional woman is “a phenomenon that’s definitely been increasing” across the Middle East, said Madiha El Safty, a sociology professor at the American University in Cairo. “These women feel they have a number of things to offer, and to give up, so they’ve become selective and very choosy. This is especially true among the upper class, but there is still great pressure on women in the lower and middle classes to marry young.”

[...]

“I was engaged twice; both were arranged by our families,” she says. “The first time was to a policeman with the state security services. He was very well-educated, but carried too much pressure from his job. He wanted someone pretty and quiet. It lasted a month.

“The second was to an engineer from a lower social level and we agreed he would not pay the traditional money the groom pays the bride. We had planned to temporarily move to America and he wanted my parents to deposit money to buy furniture for our house when we returned to Egypt. It was very strange. He also wanted it a condition that he’d take 50% of my salary. I would have given it naturally, but to make it a demand, I didn’t like that. He was jealous of my success. The relationship lasted six months.”

She gave the dude six months of her time…now, that is a generous woman! It is nice to be in a position where we can afford to be picky…I look around me, and all the women of high caliber and much quality are still single…it would be baffling, but then I remember that our parents instilled in us the value of our own worth for a reason: so that we don’t have to settle just because we settle down. This article made me feel a little less crazy; maybe some would say that it’s a case of misery loves company, but I’m more inclined to quoting “You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy.”

Dear People who Propose Marriage,

I would like to know, are you seeking my hand in marriage, or are you seeking the US Passport in my hand? It’s even worse when all you seem to be interested in are your own comforts and concerns. You ask if we are citizens…3 times, as if we are going to trip up and admit that we are not. (We are, btw.) You ask what I intend to do with my degree, as if you paid for it, and expect me to pay you back with interest. You ask if I like to cook, as if you want a chef who always gets the amount of salt to your liking.  Yet, you offer no details yourself, except for the fact that the dude is a doctor. Tell me, do I look like I need a doctor? Do I look unwell to you? I don’t need a doctor…I need a human being. Is that so difficult to comprehend?

In addition, you with your list of wants and needs and desires, are not in the least bit original. Why don’t you people start getting creative? Why don’t you think outside the box, and tell me what is on offer, rather than selfishly focusing on what I have to offer? Because, as the offer stands, all I can see is that I am a green-card offering machine, and once my purpose has been served, how will I know your Dr. Dude is going to stick around?

Somehow, I am just not feeling it. Call me crazy, and just don’t call me.

Sincerely,

Not Who You Think I Am!

I am so sick and tired of men and their stupid dramas. Really. Grow up already. Everything they do or don’t do has to have an excuse? Can’t they just admit that they are lazy/not motivated/not in the mood/don’t want to do it (whatever “it” is)?! Ya Rabbi, do we women have to baby-sit them for the rest of our God-forsaken lives? Ya Rabbi, give me the strength to carry on.

Sometimes, I think its directly because of how completely retarded our men can be that Muslim women end up in the nonsense they get into. You know the perfectly nice girl who doesn’t wear hijab, and works with ghair-mahram men? Maybe she realized that men don’t care about your level of deen, they just care what degree you have and how much you earn. And if they don’t care about your degree, maybe they just care about how much of a slave you can be to their various whims and fancies. And you know, maybe she woke up one morning and told herself, “I need to live for myself, I need to be able to fend for myself in this crazy world, because there are no men on this planet, just a bunch of psychotic cry-babies pretending to be men!” Maybe she has a reason for doing the “unIslamic” things she does, a reason that is directly tied to the dumb “men” in her life.
Ugh. Do we have to do everything by ourselves?! Sheesh! And no, I don’t hate men–how can I hate that which does not exist?!

I am practicing keeping my laptop turned off most days, and so far, I am succeeding admirably! Congratulate me–or don’t; I will pick up the slack for you by just congratulating myself! I actually only turned this thing on to tell you about this article that was in the LA Times yesterday: In Saudi Arabia, a view from behind the veil, by Megan K. Stack, Times Staff Writer.

Basically, she details all the times she is given a major hassle for being a woman: at the Starbuck’s, at the mall, at the bank, basically apparently everytime she breathes. If I sound vaguely unsympathetic, its because I mostly am. I mean, I am sure she was quite prepared to be decently covered up while she was there, and yet she accepted the assignment anyway. So, what’s the belly-aching for? She says:

I spent my days in Saudi Arabia struggling unhappily between a lifetime of being taught to respect foreign cultures and the realization that this culture judged me a lesser being. I tried to draw parallels: If I went to South Africa during apartheid, would I feel compelled to be polite?

I am sorry, but comparing gender segregation to apartheid?! Clearly the woman has no concept of what apartheid was. As a Muslim woman born in South Africa, and living through both government-imposed apartheid for six generations and self-imposed gender segregation for-practically-ever, allow me to inform you that they are nothing alike. Gender segregation is not about being bullied simply because of who you are. Gender segregation is not about having dogs sicced on you just because of who you are. Gender segregation is not about cops going into the townships, pulling out “suspected black youth” and beating them to within an inch of their lives, while their screams reverberate throughout the village. That is the real face of apartheid. And if you want to compare gender segregation to that, then you are clearly clueless.

And then she blames the abaya for not allowing her to stand tall:

In the depths of the robe, my posture suffered. I’d draw myself in and bumble along like those adolescent girls who seem to think they can roll their breasts back into their bodies if they curve their spines far enough. That was why, it hit me one day, I always seemed to come back from Saudi Arabia with a backache.

The kingdom made me slouch.

Please. Give me a break. You are slouching in the abaya because you hate it, because you think it makes you look ugly, or whatever. This is about you–not about the abaya, not about the kingdom. I know plenty of women who are abaya-ed, and they have no trouble striding tall and proud. I also know those who walk with a perpetual slouch–and they usually do that because they think it makes them look less obvious to society or more pious. And you are slouching for your own strange reasons that have very little to do with the abaya itself. And then she goes on to make a discovery about Saudi society:

Through the years I have met many Saudi women. Some are rebels; some are proudly defensive of Saudi ways, convinced that any discussion of women’s rights is a disguised attack on Islam from a hostile Westerner. There was the young dental student who came home from the university and sat up half the night, writing a groundbreaking novel exploring the internal lives and romances of young Saudi women. The oil expert who scolded me for asking about female drivers, pointing out the pitfalls of divorce and custody laws and snapping: “Driving is the least of our problems.” I have met women who work as doctors and business consultants. Many of them seem content.

All I have to say to that is: duh! It takes all sorts to make the world go round, even the Muslim world. No, we are not all one huge monolithic entity who are displeased with the same things that you are. Yes, some of us love our cultures and Islamic values…and some of us dislike them and rebel vociferously…and others of us like some aspects and dislike other aspects…and some of us choose to share our angst and happiness with the world, and some of us don’t. Isn’t that to be expected from any society?!

And the final excerpt that I am going to share here is a long one:

ONE glaring spring day, when the hot winds raced in off the plains and the sun blotted everything to white, I stood outside a Riyadh bank, sweating in my black cloak while I waited for a friend. The sidewalk was simmering, but I had nowhere else to go. As a woman, I was forbidden to enter the men’s half of the bank to fetch him. Traffic screamed past on a nearby highway. The winds tugged at the layers of black polyester. My sunglasses began to slip down my glistening nose.
[...]
He disappeared again, only to reemerge with another security guard. This man was of indistinct South Asian origin and had an English vocabulary. He looked like a pit bull — short, stocky and teeth flashing as he barked: “Go! Go! You can’t stand here! The men can SEE! The men can SEE!”

I looked down at him and sighed. I was tired. “Where do you want me to go? I have to wait for my friend. He’s inside.” But he was still snarling and flashing those teeth, arms akimbo. He wasn’t interested in discussions.

“Not here. NOT HERE! The men can SEE you!” He flailed one arm toward the bank.

I lost my temper.

“I’m just standing here!” I snapped. “Leave me alone!” This was a slip. I had already learned that if you’re a woman in a sexist country, yelling at a man only makes a crisis worse.

The pit bull advanced toward me, making little shooing motions with his hands, lips curled back. Involuntarily, I stepped back a few paces and found myself in the shrubbery. I guess that, from the bushes, I was hidden from the view of the window, thereby protecting the virtue of all those innocent male bankers. At any rate, it satisfied the pit bull, who climbed back onto the sidewalk and stood guard over me. I glared at him. He showed his teeth. The minutes passed. Finally, my friend reemerged.

A liberal, U.S.-educated professor at King Saud University, he was sure to share my outrage, I thought. Maybe he’d even call up the bank — his friend was the manager — and get the pit bull in trouble. I told him my story, words hot as the pavement.

He hardly blinked. “Yes,” he said. “Oh.” He put the car in reverse, and off we drove.

So the Saudi dude was barely interested in this tale of woe. Yes, I think it was rude for the security to treat her that way. Yes, they could have had her come inside out of the burning sun into the lobby–since when does Islam teach us such discourtesy?! That is insane. However, I am not at all surprised by the “liberal, U.S.-educated professor’s” response. How many incidents of discrimination do you think he suffered through in the US as a Muslim man? How many times have I recounted to a non-Muslim American the horror it is for me to be patted down in an airport in full view of the entire airport like a criminal…and then have them come back with “well, its all for national security” all the while listening to me with a reassuring smile? Oh, and these are my open-minded friends I am talking about, not random people I pick out to complain to! Crap goes on everywhere, sometimes in the name of culture, sometimes in the name of religion, sometimes in the name of security.We as a nation do things for the sake of national security, others do things in the name of cultural security. That’s life.

By the time I boarded the plane, I was in a temper. I yanked at the clasps, shrugged off the abaya like a rejected embrace. I crumpled it up and tossed it childishly into the airplane seat.

Then I was just standing there, feeling stripped in my jeans and blouse. My limbs felt light, and modesty flashed through me. I was aware of the skin of my wrists and forearms, the triangle of naked neck. I scanned the eyes behind me, looking for a challenge. But none came. The Saudi passengers had watched my tantrum impassively.

I sat down, leaned back and breathed. This moment, it seems, is always the same. I take the abaya off, expecting to feel liberated. But somehow, it always feels like defeat.

It feels like defeat because you are rebelling against a simple piece of cloth. Its silly and childish. Rather than enjoy the different-ness (like how some of our abaya-ed girls enjoy the different-ness of more revealing styles, when they are visiting in the West), you are futilely resisting a cloak. Next time, buy yourself one of the more beautiful abayas, and you might actually enjoy it more. In addition, its not the abaya you are really resisting, its the pressures of a different set of social norms, and some of those social norms are really not half as oppressive as you seem to think.

Oh, and this was not a view from behind the veil, it was view from underneath the abaya; putting on the niqaab might more than likely have given a totally different perspective. But, if the abaya was difficult, then I don’t even want to contemplate how much worse the niqaab would have been.

And that’s my $0.02 worth. Going to visit the blogs tonight inshaAllah. Turning off for now….

I honestly sat here trying to think of a few examples of women gone awry, and this is what I came up with.  Its been the rare marriage that was destroyed at the hands of a woman, and the only examples I have of those are out of family…so I cannot discuss those, as I feel very uncomfortable talking about people whose confidentiality I must respect.

Truly, the only examples I can come up with are those with woman-on-woman nonsense…women-on-men has just not had the same statistical impact on me as men-on-women. So, a few short examples of women-on-women ickiness:

There is the woman who invited herself to spend the night at my house, when I had just met her for the first time at a women’s gathering. It apparently did not occur to her that some people do not feel comfortable having complete strangers in their home for more than a social visit. It apparently also did not cross her mind that I have parents that I need to ask permission from first! And also, if my house was big enough to accomodate a sudden guest was not a concern of hers either. Eek. And then she stalked me by phone for a whole month–thank God my mom does not answer unknown numbers; she would have been like over the fact that I actually gave such a “besharam” person our number.

Then there was the woman who, as alzubra mentioned earlier, tried to take the ring. Very pious woman, mashaAllah–tahajjud observing, niqabi, with children studying deen intensively. Met her for the second time. Was wearing an (apparently interesting) gold ring. She asked to try it on…and then was having “significant difficult” in removing it. I would rather give the ring away in sadaqa than reward that kind of open extortion.

There was the woman who, when she was recommending some man to us for marriage, said, “Don’t worry about all these ‘little’ issues and questions for now. Once you get married, everything will take of it itself.” Joke of the year, huh?

I really can’t come up with anymore–thank goodness my friends are really too Allah-fearing to give me any such women-on-women “violence,” for lack of a better term.

So, ok, from these I can only extrapolate the following (perhaps it is a stretch): If these women are like this outside their homes, with people whom they have only met once–what kind of grief do they give their husbands? I know this is (im)pure speculation,  but all the wrong character traits do appear to be there…unfortunately.

…of the male-bashing, I can hear them all say. Well, I must say in my own defense, this, this, and this is really not male-bashing. These are just observations of the things that happen around me. They are merely (very wordy) illustrations of our sociological conditions…which happen to have men as the stars of the show. I mean, if you want to know what real male-bashing is…well, lets just say you should all thank your lucky stars that blogs were not around 8 and 10 years ago. Nuff said?

So I will attempt to even the scales a little. In this post, I will show my appreciation for all actions male.

I don’t know how to begin though…

Joke! Relax! I am not really that bad, I swear…I just can’t think of anything! Is that my fault?!

OK, there was the guy who drives his homesick wife 1,500 miles across lonely roads, which are also rather dangerous when the natives are restless, so that she can visit her family for a couple of days. Never mind that he is splitting his time between business, school, and other family responsibilities. Wife is feeling lonely…so they up and take the unexpected trip.

Does it count that the guy is my brother, and yes, I am big-time biased? Its still appreciating that there are decent men out there–even if we do have to raise them ourselves!

A non-familial example…lets see…hmmmm…

Oh, there is the family whom we invited to dinner. After eating, the men went off to pray at the mosque, and we asked the man to let his wife stay for a few hours, coz she was a lot of fun to talk to. So he agreed. But since this was our first time meeting her, he apparently was not sure if she was really comfortable with the idea. So he calls her up after they finish praying, and we can hear her reassuring him that she is ok, the baby is fine, they are comfortable…just come later to pick me up, honey. Awwww. That was sweet. A man that protects his family is really a beautiful thing…even when he is trying to protect them from you yourself!

I have no more examples, what can I say? At least I tried.

So, see, I can acknowledge that there are decent men out there. Its just that there does not seem to be enough. And while it may be argued that there are not enough decent women either, I respond that we can only be as “good ” as we are treated.

So, in a further attempt to balance the scales, I will talk about horrible women in my next post. Its going to be a good one…if I can think of anything.

When a man proposing for marriage says…

I want a woman who will be a home-maker, and not interested in a career. I don’t prefer her to have a degree.

…it is code for: I am looking for a doormat that I can step all over at will.

When a man proposing for marriage says…

I want a woman with a degree, who will know how to balance a career and her duties at home.

…this is code for: I am looking for a cash machine that also cooks and cleans.

No middle-ground, huh, guys? Such a pity. Our degrees might be cold comfort…but at least it will be a comfort.

International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women is today. While I could talk about general facts and figures regarding the abuse of women in the States, I am going to instead focus on the state of affairs in our own Muslim communities within. Because I think this is something we tend to not see, and many assume that this is just a “white women’s problem.” Its not; it definitely affects us too.

We all know that Islam does not condone the abuse of women. But do we hide behind that knowledge, and protect ourselves from seeing the reality. As with everything else, Islam says one thing, and Muslims do the opposite. I am sure we all know at least one Muslim women who has been or is the victim of violence in her own home. In Muslim cultures, we are very careful to not get involved in other people’s household issues. But, the next time you see that look in a women’s eye, that one of inexplicable sadness, tell her that help is out there. Give her the name of a good sheikh and make her go and talk with him. Maybe you can’t do anything more–but inshaAllah, you can give her a push in the right direction.

And remember that violence is not always physical. Its more often than not psychological. And that requires even more help.

We can all do something. Change really happens one person at a time. Grand overwhelming movements always begin as something tiny. What can you do to stop the violence?