Another Cultured Marriage

…or, Why I Love My Singlehood!

There is this girl we know about, who is a skinny little thing. She has all the right credentials: from a very respectable family, very modest, wonderful balance of religious and worldy knowledge, really gifted on the household front, aka a real domestic goddess–basically, the kind of girl every Indo-Pak mother dreams of for her son.

Girl gets married to a very “educated” young man, residing in France. Guy seems respectable, appears to have good job prospects, but residing in a European nation, does not appear to be too “modern” and does a fairly successful job at convincing girl’s family that he is religious enough. Ok, great, fabulous, wonderful, mashallah!

Girl is still not greatly enthused about marrying guy. But, she is getting on in years, yes? Getting to be, as they so wisely say, expired goods. So, girl marries guy, and lives happily ever after. Or maybe traditionally and culturally ever after.

Girl must live with the in-laws, yet guy is more “modern” than he or his parents let on prior to marriage. Turns out that boy thinks Muslim men following the sunnah of maintaining a beard are quite possibly terrorists! So modern and liberal of him! Did he absorb the fact that Europeans also don’t believe in living with the in-laws? The job prospects that were available to him before have mysteriously disappeared, although he does have a decent job, alhamdulillah.

Girl must cook the foods that guy’s cousins love to eat, when they are on vacation from their prestigious European universities, and give up her master bedroom for them, although there is a perfectly acceptable guest room for the visiting cousins to utilize. Girl’s parents must frequently send things that guy’s family likes–to not do so would be showing disrespect to the guy and his family. Girl cannot go to her own sister’s wedding, but must go to guy’s cousin’s wedding. When girl wants to call home, guy gives her an expired calling card to use; when she finds there are zero dineros on the card, she has a good cry, and guy asks her, “Do you feel better now, now that you’ve cried it out of your system?”

These are the “modern” families, who say things like, “We can never forget our culture! No matter how much we are educated, we still appreciate our roots.” Thus giving a bad name to culture, marriage, and those who are “educated” (I use the term extremely loosely). In situations when a Muslim woman is involved, the world chalks it up to Islam, even though Islam is so completely against such cruelty. This is the difference between Islam and culture. So many things attributed to culture are better off left in the dustbins of history!

Us girls who appreciate our single-hood cannot fathom marriage…because of the existence of men like this, and the familes and “cultural traditions” that shaped their behavior. The good girls always get the worthless men, and vice versa. Why be married and miserable, when I can be on the shelf, and happy in the bargain?

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6 Responses to Another Cultured Marriage

  1. alzubra says:

    Culture vs. religion…you take your choice, the latter would be the wiser one. 🙂 My point is, for those who say they can never forget their culture, well they have to, when it conflicts with religion. Nobody’s willing to do that though, so our words are useless. Blah. 😦

    May Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) grant this girl and many like her a way out, and may He make this trauma a reward and forgiveness for her sins. Ameen.

  2. Allah…a sad, sad, sad story. But history repeats itself. I’ve heard stories similar to this one so MANY times that sometimes I think that all husbands turn out to be monsters, no matter how sweet and ‘religious’ they seem to be. The amount of deception that desi family practise is appaling. I wish and I sincerely wish that the husband of that girl changes overnight or something. I can imagine her state…

    I hope Allah gives us good naseeb, Ameen

  3. Arab Lady says:

    lol i’m reading 🙂

    Frankly I do ask myself the same question….why don’t i give up on the marriage business…but we come 2 da point that u need a real man 2 support u…stand by ur side…a man who loves u and care about u…a man who is open-minded & cultured …blab blah who lightens ur life up……..the problem is where shall we find our match…how…..i don’t believe in the traditional marriage ….u live with ppl for years and u end up saying who are they and why have they changed…….!!!

    At any rate women suffer the most!!!!!!!!!

    Thx 4 visiting my blog…wondering why u have been coming by without even dropping a line *******curiosity that killed the cat 😉 ********

    Cheers !

  4. Alzubra, such “culture” is completely uncultured, if you get what I mean. Ameen to your duaa for this girl and girls like her.

    Writer’s Creek, it seems like no matter how well we investigate a person, some people will always slip through the cracks. What is amazing is how these people do not seem to either realize or care that Allah is watching their cruelty.

    Arab Lady, I hope you don’t mind that I reposted your comment on this post 🙂 (I left the original on the Missed Me post for blogging integrity tho). Ah, I gave up on the marriage business such a long time ago. If there is a man and his family that is actually truly religious and open-minded, I would be a fool to say no to him–but I am not holding my breath. You’re very correct, that we do need a “real man to support us and stand by us” but the real men are not the ones knocking on my door!

    The expectation that seeking a spouse the “non-traditional” way will help you find a person who will not change is not realistic, from what I have seen: in this country, where virtually everyone dates and marries after a considerable time of getting to know each other, the divorce rate is extremely high, and many, many, many couples will tell you its because the other person “changed.” Statistics seem to show that either way, traditional or non, East or West, people show a different side of themselves before the deal is closed. At the end of the day, whatever our method of finding a spouse, we can only hope that Allah shows us when a man and/or his family are more than what they appear to be. At the end of all this deception, yes it certainly is the women who suffer most!
    Oh, I cruise the blogs without leaving comments, coz many times, what I want to say has already been said. Or if I have a differing point of view, I don’t know how receptive the blogger will be to a total stranger causing a stir. I know you can handle it, though! 😉 Welcome and hope to see more of you! 🙂

    May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala grant us all peace and joy in our naseeb, Ameen!

  5. silentear says:

    As a Guy reading the post, I feel embarrassed 😐 You come across such stories much too often for my liking.

    On the face of it I cannot help but blame the parents of such individuals who spout the poetry of culture and religion, knowing what their son/daughter is truly capable of. Unfortunately, Many a time the reasons behind parents seeking marriage in west-based families is BECAUSE they feel their child has gone astray. For some bizarre reason parents are naive enough to believe that they are doing the correct thing to lie and push their son/daughter into marriage in the vain hope of it “rescuing” the child – knowing full well, in my view, that they could actually be destroying someone else’s life.

    No to arranged marriages as practiced by so called “cultures” from “Islamic communities” but also a very loud NO to the secular concept of male/female relationships – regardless of how “little” physical contact people may argue there being between the parties. I’ll refrain from going into the reasons for this comment. I seem to have said the same thing over and over in the past, which feels so disappointing in it self.

    Islam teaches us that marrying an individual primarily for their Islamic qualities would result in the most pleasing of life partners. I just feel parents and guardians are letting the younger members of our society down by their dis-honesty and their lack of faith orientated principles.

    From the experiences that I have heard of, or come across myself, I agree that it is most often the woman that suffers most.

    It’s so scary knowing that you can work through out your life trying to be a better person, a better Muslim, yet be trapped at the end of it all in such a nasty situation out of no fault of your own.

    God truly throws many a difficult circumstance in the path of a good Muslim.

  6. Silentear, re: parents who “push their son/daughter into marriage in the vain hope of it “rescuing” the child – knowing full well, in my view, that they could actually be destroying someone else’s life.” I can only figure that they feel powerless to solve their own problems, and have the audacity to make it somebody else’s problem. They are weak people, who will make for dangerous in-laws.
    And as one of Indian descent, I am embarrassed to see this being perpetrated by so-called Muslims. I am the last person to look at how somebody else is practicing their deen, but when the damage is being done in the name of some twisted sense of “culture,” then we must all point out and eliminate the parts of our cultures that conflict with Islam.

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