Where am I going?

People always say age is just a number. It is, and I have said it many a time too…in fact, I will continue to say it, because it’s such a catchy, smarty-pants turn of phrase. Try it someday, if you haven’t already…you really feel like you’ve solved a major issue when you tell someone, “Don’t worry about turning 30 (or 40 or 50)…Age is just a number!” And then you sit there all bug-eyed because although they say all the right things in return, you get the distinct sense that they don’t feel like you’ve solved any problem at all.

Today, I was wondering why it kind of bugs me that I am getting older. This is a new feeling for me; I’ve never felt any concept of age before. Really, there was no change in me, my life, or my beliefs whether I was 20, 25, or 30. But now…I am a thirty-something (anyone who is shocked, sorry…hope you didn’t get a heart attack) and it makes me a wee bit worried…not sad, not depressed, just worried. There, I said it. Age is no longer just a number to me. My age means something to me. What does it mean?

I realized that my age means something to me not just because it’s a number representing who I am right now. It also represents who and what I will be tomorrow, and 10 years from now. When I was 20-something, I hardly ever wondered what life would be like beyond that moment. Sure, life was about change…but it wasn’t change to think about, it was just change that happens. Now, the changes that will happen are something to think about. For example, will my parents be around when I am 40? Will I be healthy at 40? Will I be a better Muslimah at 40?Β  Will I be sustaining myself financially at 40? Are my efforts of today going to pay off in the future? Are my weaknesses of today going to hurt me at 40? How badly are those weaknesses going to come back to bite me? What am I doing, saying, and thinking today that I am going to hate in ten year’s time? These thoughts usually just float through my brain fleetingly, not long enough for me to even realize I am having them, and certainly not all at once. But today, it was like a billboard went up in my brain, with all those questions competing for attention.

I know I am going to be fine, inshaAllah…because I remember being 13 and having very similar fears for the future. I used to wonder, will I ever have an opinion of my own? Will I be able to express and back up my opinions? How will I ever figure out this world? Do I have to figure out this world? Life felt really scary at that point. I didn’t think a day would come when I would not only have my own ideas, but fight for them tooth and nail…but (as you are all aware if you’re reading this!) that day did come, and has stretched into years. I think about those miserable future-focused moments and see myself at that point in life once again. I got over those fears…and I will get over these ones…by the grace of Allah Almighty alone, because heaven knows I have no resources within me to get over them by myself.

And yes, age really is just a number. A number with a meaning. πŸ™‚ My conundrum reminds me of the Rumi saying:

You’re not at the place in which you stand. You’re at the place you’re destined to go.

Advertisements

About Digital Nomad

Professional blog-hopper
This entry was posted in Lets Get Personal and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Where am I going?

  1. Funky billboard and nice quote. πŸ™‚ The uncertainty of the future is scary, but lookin back at the memories makes it all worth it (and you have a lot of lookin back to do LOL).

  2. simplymuslim says:

    Interesting…:)

  3. Johny says:

    Babe! you are ageing. take my words. get married. you will surely come over all this. And your philosophy (!!!?!?!) will go one step farther.

  4. DigiJ, The billboard’s a bit big, but me is too lazy to re-do stuff πŸ˜› Thanks for reminding that alhamdulillah, I do have lots of looking back to do πŸ˜†


    simplymuslim
    , well, not really interesting…but now that the rambling is out of my head, I feel so much better.


    Johny
    , Johny! Yours is the kind of wisdom I was waiting all my life for! πŸ˜‰ Now be a good little boy, and go play in your sandbox :mrgreen:

  5. noora says:

    Sweetheart, I loved the honesty in expressing your fears, questions and Age!…and no 30 is not old..”its just a number ” πŸ˜‰

    I guess one just has to make the best of what he/she has right now, with everything he/she has..period..hope for tom..but live today..
    loved this post πŸ™‚

  6. queenie says:

    Definitely shocked, but no heart attack πŸ˜‰ I honestly had no clue, and I think it had more to do with your outlook and ideas. You are an optimistic and aspiring woman, and age is what you make of it. 30-something has a meaning that you attribute to it, yourself. There’s no “standard”. I think the questions you pose are really important to ask and reflect on throughout our lifetime.

  7. noora, shukran for those sweet and wise thoughts…this is probably my least favorite post of all time because it’s just too honest πŸ˜€ I’ll tell you what does come with age is the ability to say what you want the way you want it. It’s like people don’t really judge so much if it’s the right or wrong thing you just said…they just accept it…so that is something I must take full advantage of πŸ˜€


    queenie
    , you’re so sweet, I appreciate it! Glad you didn’t suffer any adverse effects πŸ˜€ And thanks for being the one to tell my sis that I am an optimistic…she insists I’m a pessimist 😦 In a way, this is me coming full circle: when I was in high school, people thought I was in my mid-twenties…now, people tell me I seem like I’m in my…twenties! I wonder if I’ll ever grow out of my twenties? πŸ˜† And I so agree with you re: “30-something has a meaning that you attribute to it, yourself.” True say!

  8. Simply Muslim says:

    To be honest, I was shocked that you were a 30 something…for some reason I thought you were in your early twenties…but I am happy…you know why? You see, when I read your posts, I used to think, how come she sounds so mature, so thoughtful, so world wise, how could such a girl of my age be so good in everything I want to be? But now I know, I have a bit of time coz I am not even in my twenties…I have time to become atleast half the person you are! ;0

  9. Simply Muslim says:

    Ok, did I come out as too sugary sweet, too flattering? If yes, which I think is obvious, I am sorry. I don’t praise people easily but when I do, I go overboard, maybe out of touch or something! πŸ™‚

  10. Umm Ibrahim says:

    Assalaamu alaikum,

    He he he! I am surprised to learn that you are 30 something… I also assumed you were in your early 20’s! You obviously managed to exude youth in your posts very successfully! LOL. Anyay, glad to find another oldie like myself on the blogosphere, πŸ˜†

    Good to reflect though and see what to aim for and what needs to be improved upon.

  11. Simply Muslim, oh my, I just saw your comment, sweetheart, and don’t worry about being too sweet–this world needs a good dose of syrup every now and then πŸ˜† And hon…don’t even be wishing to be anything like me–I am no good, I tell you…no good πŸ˜›
    (I could delete the comment if you like…let me know πŸ™‚ )

    Wa Alaikum Salaam, Umm Ibrahim πŸ™‚ LOL Yesssss another oldie in the blogosphere πŸ˜† You’re lovely to be so kind in your thoughts and words…jazakiAllahu khair *hugs*

Comments are closed.