Dear Michelle

That speech needed help. I’ll give it to you bluntly: there was no introduction, no plot, and no conclusion. (Much like my blog posts, but I’m not in a bid for First Lady, so nobody really cares.) First of all, you did not thank the crowd for being there; of course, every other speaker already thanked them, but so what? They clapped for you, you thank them too. Basic courtesy MIA; an innocent oversight, but you’re at the DNC, not a campaign stop in a small town. Secondly, I’m glad that your brother and you have an awesome relationship, with all the ups and downs that come with it…but your bro isn’t running for Prez. Really, I needed to know why you love Mr. Obama, not that you love him and believe he will be an extraordinary president. I know you believe that…but I still don’t know why (beyond the fact that he has a funny name, which if I hear one more time…). I got it when you repeatedly pointed out that America made you into who you are today, how you are where and what you are because of America…and I know you had to stress that point due to that unfortunately misinterpreted remark many moons ago. Really, over-apologizing for other people’s manipulations of your words is a sign of insecurity. I want a secure and strong First Lady. Stop apologizing for that, even in a round-about way. Thirdly, if you’re going to hand your kids the microphone while the Presidential Candidate is on a live video feed, then warn him a couple of hours in advance. The man looked totally flustered when the little girl popped in with her sweet “What city are you in, Daddy?” It was cute, and funny, but then became kind of cringe-inducing upon seeing our future possible Commander in Chief flummoxed at being interrupted.

And finally…What were you wearing?! Was that a cocktail dress?! Why was that dress so freaking skin-tight? I know you’re hip and cool and edgy, but really…invest in a few professional outfits for these kinds of occasions. My God, that was a nightmare to behold. I know, I know, that is not a politically correct thing to say; after all in this day and age, should we still be commenting on a woman’s attire? Of course, I would contend, we should…especially when the attire is all wrong for the situation. You’re going to be First Lady, not First Supermodel!

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