A couple of weeks ago, I did something incredibly stupid. I mean, it was so stupid, I can’t even tell you what I did. It was one of those irreversible moments in time, where you see time stop. My bones turned liquid, I could feel my marrow quiver, I literally collapsed to the floor in sujood and all I could think in that moment was, “Allah, help me and forgive me. My life is over. I turn over everything to you, I cannot protect this person anymore. I tried to help him, and all I did was ruin my own life.” I couldn’t even tell my mom what I did until this past Friday. It was that magnitude of epic stupid that slammed home the cold harsh reality that should have been obvious to me for months now.
All of the last two weeks, I’ve been hoping and praying that the repercussions will not be hideously unbearable. Today, I got the first good sign that maybe it’s all going to okay, inshaAllah. Because, today, that issue that I was trying to protect someone from, that I was trying to solve by myself, today, that person handled it all for themselves. All the people involved seem to have revealed themselves in the best of ways. My mother told me, “It was like the moment you turned that person’s protection over to Allah, Allah blessed us all with His Immense Mercy and Protection.” Alhamdulillah.
All I can do is see to my own life. I can’t protect you. I can’t teach you. I can’t learn for you. I can’t do anything for you. All I can do is a meager amount for myself. And even then, Allah is in control. I really am nothing more than a lump of clay, and Allah protects me from myself in ways I probably don’t even realize.